If I Could Be With You Read online

  He put the key in the lock and pushed the door open. Cool air hit their bodies. Hannah grabbed his face in her hands.

  “You turned the air on for me?”

  Charlie nodded, a sheepish grin spread across his face. She pulled him forward and kissed him. His tongue roamed her mouth while her hands moved lower to the button on his pants. She popped it and pushed his pants down his thighs.

  “Don’t you want to make it inside the apartment, Hannah?”

  “No, Charlie,” she said. “I don’t.”

  His cock rubbed against her stomach, hard and long. He raised her arms and pulled her T-shirt over her head before pulling the rubber band from her hair, releasing crazy waves. Digging his fingers in, he guided her face back to his, kissing her until her breath came in quick, pulsing pants.

  She felt his hands leave her hair and move to her back where he unhooked her bra, releasing her breasts so that her nipples rubbed the cotton of his shirt.

  “We need to be naked,” she said.

  She pushed off her shorts while he removed his shirt before she pushed him against the wall and started to go down on him. He pushed her back and shook his head.

  “Oh, no you don’t. Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you’re in charge. I think there’s been an unequal exchange in the oral sex department of our relationship, and if there’s anything you can count on with a man of my generation,” he said, “it’s a firmly held belief in equality.”

  He pulled her naked body into the living room and placed her in the red, cozy, armchair. She sank in as he pulled her hips to the edge before placing himself between her legs.

  “I’ve tasted you on my fingers. Now, I’d like to taste you on my lips,” he said as he caressed the tips of her breasts with his fingers before inching his hands from her torso to her thighs. He began massaging her tired muscles that had walked all day, working his way from her knees to her hamstrings and quads before zeroing in on her inner thighs.

  “I’ve been dreaming about eating you out all day, Hannah.”

  His frank speech brought her hands to her face.

  “Don’t,” he pulled them away. “Don’t go getting shy and nervous on me now. Here’s what I want you to do with those beautiful hands,” he said as he placed them on her chest. “Squeeze your nipples for me, Hannah. The way you were doing in the shower.”

  She sucked in a breath.

  “You did see me!”

  She started to move her hands back to her face but he grabbed them and moved them to her breasts.

  “You were beautiful. It made me so hot. I wanted to take off my clothes and step in there with you, but I had no idea if you wanted me to. Please don’t stop me now. Play with your nipples. Rub your hands over your tits for me.”

  She closed her eyes and did as he asked. She was embarrassed, that was true, but she was also more aroused than at any other moment in her life. He lowered his mouth to her stomach and let his tongue wind its way to her center, kissing and licking his way around her pussy, only moving to her clit when he heard her gasp his name in frustration. Once there, he rhythmically sucked and moved his fingers deep into her.

  She couldn’t control her hips rising to meet him. The feeling of his fingers stroking her had her holding her breath. She let it out in a sob when he quickened the pace of both fingers and tongue. It was like nothing and no one else before. He was doing things to her body, taking her to a level of pleasure so high it was almost painful. If she didn’t come she thought she might die.

  She heard him moan. Was it possible that he was getting pleasure from this, too? She opened her eyes and was fascinated by what she saw. His face glistened with sweat and her wetness and his eyes were closed as he kissed and sucked at her center. One hand fingered her while the other held his rigid shaft. She’d never watched a man touch himself like that before. The idea that eating her out aroused him so much that he had to touch himself filled her with a sense of pride. He must have sensed a change in her because he stilled and looked up. Their eyes locked.

  “Please don’t stop,” she begged, never taking her eyes off his. “Let’s come together.”

  She saw hunger flash in his eyes as he rubbed her clit harder with his tongue. He pushed another finger inside her, fucking her with almost his whole hand while she watched him moving up and down on his cock with the other. She felt the pressure building in her core and knew she was close.

  “Oh God,” she whispered. Then more loudly, “Charlie, make me come!”

  Everything happened at once. It was as if his tongue on her clit and his fingers deep in her pussy were connected to her own fingers squeezing her nipples. She forgot to breathe as her body convulsed and she felt herself pulse tightly around his hand. In the haze of her orgasm she could hear him groaning and knew he was coming with her. When it was over, he laid his head on her stomach and held her hips with his hands.

  “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to let you go, Hannah.”

  CHAPTER seven

  Continuing education classes at Columbia were all that Hannah expected and more. Despite the long subway ride she returned home each night that first week excited to share her new teaching strategies with someone and Charlie listened to them all like a trooper. On Thursday evening, after four long days of learning, he met her at the door with a glass of red wine and a single red rose.

  “What’s this?” she asked, putting her books on the table by the door. She ignored the wine and the rose and instead went in for a long, sensual kiss.

  “No fair,” he said when she came up for air. “I have my hands full.”

  “Not anymore.” She smiled and relieved him of the wine, took a drink, and reached for the rose. She inhaled the sweet scent then looked him in the eyes. “I do not deserve this.”

  “The last few nights have been the best of my life, Hannah. A little wine and a rose don’t even begin to add up to what you deserve.”

  She walked into the living area and noticed candles all around.

  “Mr. McMillan, I smell a seduction.”

  “Then you need to get your sense of smell checked. This is what’s called an evening of appreciation. If you’re seduced as a side effect, I can’t control that, but my only intent is to show you how very happy I am that you’re here in New York.”

  She looked at the coffee table and noticed the bottle of wine next to a plate of olives and cheese. He took the wine and poured himself a glass and said, “Sit down, I want to hear about your day.”

  “You’ve heard about my day everyday since Monday. I assure you there’s nothing new. Why don’t you tell me about yours instead?”

  “OK,” he said while pulling her feet to his lap and removing her sandals. “How about a foot massage while I talk.”

  “No!” She yanked her feet away and tucked them under her body. “My feet are disgusting from all the walking I had to do today. I wouldn’t let you touch them if you paid me.”

  “You really aren’t used to a man wanting to take care of you, are you?”

  “Please! Foot massages, wine, and roses? This isn’t real life, Charlie.”

  “It can be,” he said. The smile left his face. “Tell me why you don’t think you deserve to be loved, Hannah.”

  She raised her wine to her lips and took a large sip. How had she managed to ruin the romance in less than five minutes? Of course he thought this could be real. He was twenty-six and in a fake marriage. When had he even been in a real relationship? Her mind went back to what he’d said about Nadia not being used to him loving someone else. Surely he’d dated women in college.

  “How many women have you been with Charlie?”

  He shot her a sneaky grin.

  “More than you’re thinking, Ms. Miller. I promise.”

  “Well, it’s a legitimate question. You’ve admitted you aren’t in love with Nadia and that she isn’t used to competition,” she said

  “True. She’s not and I will say, I haven’t really ever loved a woman I’ve slept
with. The possibility of present company excluded, of course.” He tipped his glass to her. “But that doesn’t mean I haven’t slept with women. Even with the women I didn’t love, I showed them the decency of romance and good manners. Who have you been with that hasn’t given you your basic rights in a relationship?”

  She almost spit out her wine. Basic rights in a relationship? Were all younger men this idealistic? She reached for some cheese.

  “Well, let me think about that. There was Thomas in my college years, David in the years after, and Robert in my mid to late twenties, and oh, yes, the man I spent the past five years with. What was the asshole’s name again?” She paused for effect. “Ah, that’s right. Jess.” She popped an olive in her mouth.

  “Bitter much?” He laughed and took a sip of his wine.

  They sat on opposite ends of the sofa, full glasses in hand, staring at one another.

  “Actually, yes. I am.”

  “Tell me about Jess. I want to know how he broke your heart so I might have a chance at fixing it.”

  “I don’t want to ruin a perfectly good night of appreciation. I ‘d rather give you my feet to rub,” she said.

  “But I’d rather take a stab at finally getting to know you, Hannah. I only have three more weeks. I know your body like the back of my hand, but you’ve been holding back on your mind.”

  “I have shared more teaching strategy with you...”

  He cut her off.

  “I want a real chance for us, Hannah. That can’t happen if you won’t open up.”

  She swallowed and put her glass on the table. He reached to refill it. She almost said no, but if she was seriously considering telling him about her relationship with Jess, she knew she’d need the extra liquid courage.

  “I call Jess an asshole and he was, but I have to take some responsibility for how dysfunctional we were. I let him treat me the way he did.”

  The air in the room suddenly felt charged.

  “Did he hurt you?”

  “Physically? No. No, it was nothing like that.”

  She saw his shoulders relax.

  “No, with Jess it was all mental. He broke my spirit and then broke my heart. I seriously believed at one point we were heading towards marriage and kids.”

  “And you want that?” Charles asked.

  “I know I’m not supposed to say so, but yes, I do.”

  “Who told you that you weren’t supposed to want a family?”

  “Jess did. Not in so many words, but he never wanted to discuss it. I knew that if I brought it up we’d probably end up fighting. He kept saying he loved me, he just didn’t need the pressure.”

  She realized she’d spread out and Charlie’s hand was resting on her foot.

  “That’s one of the reasons it’s so hard for you that I’m married,” he said.

  “One of them, yes.” She let out a laugh. “The other being that it’s just so wrong!”

  He smiled and she felt his fingers stroking her inner sole.

  “We both know my marriage isn’t real. I can love you, Hannah,” he said.

  “But can you give me what Jess couldn’t? Are you ready for that?”

  “Ready for a family?”

  “Yes,” she said. “A family, a home...a real marriage?”

  “With you,” he said. “Definitely with you.”

  “I think you’re letting your crush on me overtake your rationality. Have you thought about what happens to Nadia if you fall in love with me? If you marry me? You can’t be married to us both.”

  “Nadia and I married straight out of college,” he said.

  “I vaguely remember seeing pictures passed around that Christmas. Lilly and I thought you were too young, but Susie called it romantic.”

  “What I mean is that Nadia’s already a citizen. She was able to apply after we were married three years.”

  Hannah sat up and pulled her feet from Charlie’s grasp. She put her wine on the table and placed her face in her hands, shaking her head.

  “What? What’s wrong, Hannah?”

  “Are you serious? You have no idea what might be bothering me about what you just said?” She stood and walked around the room blowing out candles and turning on lights. “Charlie! You are married to a woman that you haven’t had to be married to for...what? Over a year at least?”

  “Two,” he dropped his gaze to his feet.

  “Two,” she repeated. “You made it seem as if your marriage was only about keeping Nadia in the country. Obviously there’s more to it if you’re still married.”

  “Please, sit down. I can explain,” he said.

  “I’m not sure you can.”

  She walked into her room and shut the door. Falling onto the bed, she buried her face in the pillow.

  ****

  A few minutes later he knocked.

  “Go away. I’m tired,” she yelled as she got up, grabbed her night shirt and went to brush her teeth. This time she remembered to lock the bathroom door on both sides.

  She was exhausted. The week had flown by and she was suddenly faced with the realization she was sleeping with the much younger boy next door who also happened to be a married man. Whether he was in a real marriage or not, he’d made the choice to stay in it longer than he needed to and she couldn’t help but wonder why? Did he have feelings for Nadia he wasn’t acknowledging? Was he a coward that couldn’t bring himself to leave a secure situation? Whatever his reasons, he’d been less than honest from the beginning. True, he had never outright lied, but he had definitely omitted some pertinent facts.

  Would she have slept with him had she known the truth? That while his marriage started out as a sham, he’d stayed in it voluntarily? What if she hadn’t come to New York? Would he even be considering separating from Nadia or would he have stayed in their arrangement forever? She knew he was the only one that could answer these questions, however at present she had no desire to be in the same room with him.

  She rinsed her toothbrush then splashed water on her face.

  “What are you looking at?” she asked the mirror. “It’ll be better in the morning. You just need some sleep.”

  Sleep apparently wasn’t on Charlie’s agenda. She opened the door to find him waiting patiently, cross-legged in the center of her bed.

  “I’ve been selfish and a coward. Is that what you want to hear?”

  “What I’d like to hear is the truth, but I don’t want to hear it now. I’m tired. Just leave me alone.”

  “Hannah, it’s not even eight o’clock. It’s still light outside for Christ’s sake. Is this how you handled your arguments with Jess? Because if it was, I’m sure it was oh, so effective,” he mocked.

  “Charlie, it’s been a long week. I am realizing that I really don’t know who you are or what kind of situation I’ve walked into here. We just sat out there on that couch and discussed marriage and children and I’ve only been in your life for a week.”

  “You’ve been in my life ever since I can remember, Hannah.”

  She swatted his hand away as he reached to pull her onto the bed with him.

  “Don’t,” she said. But when he reached out a second time she let him win. She sat on the edge of the bed, her back towards him until her body betrayed her. Wanting to be closer to him, she turned to see his face.

  “The feelings I’ve been having for you since the night of the party at Lilly’s are the strongest feelings I’ve ever felt. I don’t know if they’re real or if they’re lust. I don’t know if you really like me or if it’s some fantasy that will fade away when you get over the novelty of getting what you’ve wanted so long.

  He reached out and ran his hand down her cheek, stopping at her chin and tilting it towards him.

  “I’m coming off a break up where my life and dreams were literally wrecked. Why would you even want to be a part of this mess?” she asked and waited for him to speak.

  “You might not know what you’re feeling, Hannah, and that’s OK. You haven’t had as much t
ime as I have to decide. What I’m feeling isn’t lust, although my body craves yours like an addict. What I’m feeling for you is the stuff real marriages and families are made from. Maybe I haven’t lived my life up to now in a way that makes it easy for us to be together, but to be fair to me, I never expected you to reciprocate my feelings.”

  She started to speak, “But you...”

  He put a finger to her lips.

  “Shhh. Hannah, give me a chance. You asked me to take off my ring so you could see what it would be like to pretend I’m not married. I did. Can you keep pretending? I promise in the grand scheme of our life, my marriage isn’t anything we can’t handle.”

  He leaned in to kiss her and she let him. She wanted to believe what he said. She wanted to put stock in the way he spoke about “their” life. What she realized was that when it came to Charlie McMillan, she just plain wanted. She pulled him down on top of her, pushed his jeans from his hips, and wrapped her legs around his waist.

  He lifted her nightshirt over her head and latched tightly onto her nipple, sucking and biting as he held her breast firmly in his hand. Her body responded immediately and her panties grew wetter with each tug, but he didn’t stop to move lower. He stayed at her breast and worked it harder. Her insides were on fire, wanting and needing to be filled by his cock. She felt him hard against her thigh, but his other hand pinned her arms above her head. She couldn’t reach out for him or find her release.

  “Fuck me,” she growled at him, hearing more anger in her voice than she thought she was feeling.

  “No,” he responded with a temper of his own.

  She pushed her hips against him trying to place the tip of him inside of her, but he evaded her every effort.

  “Please,” she groaned. “Give me your cock.”

  “Not yet,” He continued sucking her nipple. The biting hurt but with every scrape of his teeth, lightning bolts of pure pleasure shot through to her center. She never thought she could be this close to coming from a man sucking her tits.

  “Charlie!” She let the frustration fill her voice. “You have got to fuck me. I need you inside me, please.”