If I Could Be With You Page 7

  “You need to go, Charles.”

  “Han, didn’t you hear me. I’ll divorce her. It’s over. I let it go on too long anyway. I want you… only you.”

  She walked to the door and opened it.

  “Please leave before I call hotel security.”

  “I don’t understand, Hannah? What happened? How did things change so fast? You told me you loved me.”

  “I woke up,” she said simply. “You and I, we’re pure chemistry. That’s all. It would never have lasted. I don’t belong here, not too mention the age difference and your marriage.” She stepped forward and touched his cheek gently. “The odds were never in our favor, Charles.”

  He walked towards the door, head hung low. She’d done what she needed to do for them both but she couldn’t help feeling like she’d kicked a puppy. She wanted to reach out and hold him, to tell him to get his divorce, that she wanted to stay, not go home, but the old fears overwhelmed her. He may say he wanted to marry her, to have children with her but in the end he would realize sooner rather than later what he was giving up by choosing her and leave. He would hurt her like Jess had, even if for different reasons. She couldn’t fail again.

  “I will never stop loving you, Hannah.”

  “Goodbye, Charles,” she said as she closed the door, the image of his pained blue eyes burned into her psyche for what she knew would be an eternity.

  PART TWO

  CHAPTER Twelve

  “So Hannah, Tell me more about teaching. How did you end up doing what you do?”

  The forty year-old business analyst sat across from her at one of her favorite Vietnamese restaurants. His conversational skills had kept the conversation flowing freely throughout dinner and she had to admit he was extremely handsome with his full head of salt and pepper hair and hipster glasses.

  “You know how some people just knew what they wanted to be from when they were little?” She let the question hang in the air and he nodded.

  “That wasn’t me.” She laughed and he joined her. “When I was younger I wanted to be a Vet. I loved animals and my mom wouldn’t let us have any so I guess it seemed like a good way to get to be with what I wanted, but couldn’t have.”

  “So, what went wrong? Or, should I ask when did you change your mind?”

  “Oh, it was definitely what went wrong. Turns out that I had severe allergies to almost every kind of dog that exists.” Hannah laughed again.

  Her date didn’t.

  “Every kind?” he asked.

  “Almost!” She shook her head and took a sip of her wine.

  “You saw in my profile I have dogs, right?”

  The serious tone in his question caught her off guard and she choked a bit.

  “I’m sorry, of course I did. It’s just a first date though, right? It’s not like we have to move in together anytime soon and it’s not like you have a wife or anything. It’s a dog.”

  He motioned the waitress for the check.

  “Hannah, it has been a lovely evening. You are a brilliant woman with a bright future ahead of you, but I don’t like to waste time. If you are as allergic to dogs as you say there’s just no way we can be together.”

  He signed the bill, left the tip and stood.

  “I wish you luck in your search. It was so nice to meet you.”

  Hannah watched as he walked away. He couldn’t be serious, could he? This was a joke. Surely, he would turn around and come back, but when the waitress began clearing the table it became clear to her that his dog was as bad as a wife. What the hell had she done in a past life to deserve this kind of crap in her love life?

  She slid behind the wheel of her car and pulled out into traffic, hitting the speed dial and speaker on her cell as she did.

  “What’s up, sis? How was the date with the older man?” Lilly asked.

  “He wasn’t that much older, and it sucked. I had another date that sucked.”

  “Hmmm, have you given any thought to the it’s not them, it’s you theory?”

  “Isn’t that supposed to be the other way around?” she asked.

  “Sweetie, it’s been five months since New York. You need to let it go.”

  “I’ll talk to you later, Lilly. I’m driving.”

  “But…”

  She cut her sister off and adjusted the rearview mirror. Let it go. Let it go? The words stung like only a sister’s could. It had been five months. Five months of internet dates from hell. She’d put up her profile almost immediately upon returning to Ohio and hadn’t had a free weekend since. One thing that the last two weeks in New York without Charlie had taught her was that she hadn’t been being fair to herself.

  She’d been picking men like Jess and Charlie on purpose, men who couldn’t commit, men who were gorgeous and safe, men who couldn’t or wouldn’t ever be hers. It had been crystal clear to her when she returned that if she wanted the marriage and family she deserved she needed to adjust her settings. She needed a reality check.

  It wasn’t about chemistry or sparks. It was about practicality. She’d joined an online dating site and checked off every box she thought could possibly lead to a stable, loving, family man and the first box to get marked was between 35 and 50. No more forays into the world of younger men for her.

  She pulled into her driveway and grabbed her purse. As she opened the screen door she remembered that she hadn’t checked the mail that day. She unloaded the stack of bills, magazines and political postcards and pushed open the front door. The house still smelled like the pumpkin pies she’d made earlier in the day. Thursday was Thanksgiving at Lilly’s. “Maybe if I don’t talk to her until then I won’t be pissed anymore,” she muttered under her breath.

  She shrugged off her coat and kicked her heels next to the door before plopping on to the sofa to look through the day’s mail. Heating bill, water bill, Cosmo, Vote Harry Winfield for Senate! Nothing looked especially exciting or urgent. She went to throw it onto the coffee table when a small white envelope, the type people used to use when they actually wrote letters fell to the floor.

  Ms. Hannah Miller was scrawled in black across the front, but there was no address or stamp. She flipped it over quickly scanning for a return address. The flap lay tucked inside, unsealed. This hadn’t come by post, this had been hand delivered. Excitement and fear warred in her chest. Did she a secret admirer or a stalker? More likely it was just an invite to a neighborhood girls party where they would expect her to buy something else she didn’t need or want.

  She pulled open the flap and slid out the white rectangular card. When she did, sparkles fell too. “Pretty, but annoying,” she said aloud. “Now I’ll have to vacuum.” Looking at the card more closely she could see it was handwritten but it wasn’t a letter or an invitation. It was a poem. Oh shit, she did have a stalker. That’s what five months of internet dating got her! She’d tried to be so careful about hiding her personal info but someone must have found her address. She got up quickly to lock the door just in case and then sat back down to read.

  If I could be with you

  I’d give up the world

  Only to give it to you.

  If I could be with you

  I’d dive to the depths of despair

  Only to lift you up.

  If I could be with you

  I’d feel fear like no one has known

  Only to always keep you safe.

  If I could be with you

  I’d never utter love’s language again

  Only to do our love justice.

  If I could be with you

  If I could be with you

  If I could be with you…that’s the only thing I’d ever do.

  She had to admit the poem was quite pretty, more than that though it showed that whoever wrote it had listened to her well enough to really know what she wanted. I’ll be damned she thought. Maybe there was hope after all. She placed the card on the mantle above her fireplace and walked to the bedroom to change into her pajamas. Stalker or no, she was r
eady for some sweet dreams and the surprise ode to being with her had been just the inspiration she needed. See world? There’s hope, she thought as she drifted off.

  CHAPTER thirteen

  Thursday arrived and Hannah loaded her pies and cookies into the car to head to Lilly’s for their annual family gathering. It had always been her favorite time of year and she loved seeing family members she didn’t keep regular contact with, but if she was honest she was slightly worried about seeing the McMillans. Family tradition held that the second half of the evening was open to family friends and neighbors and Hannah knew that Charlie’s family hadn’t missed a Thanksgiving night at Lilly’s in the past five years at least.

  “They probably don’t even know it happened!” Lilly had tried to comfort her. “As far as we know they have no idea his marriage isn’t real in the traditional sense. Why would their son tell them about three weeks of sleeping with you?”

  Hannah groaned at Lilly’s blunt appraisal of her summer. Was that really all it had been? No, there had been more than sex. It wouldn’t have hurt so much if there had been no feelings. She’d since come to the conclusion that what happened between her and Charlie had been very real and unrealistic at the same time.

  “You’re probably right,” she replied. “I just hope they don’t have any news to share. I don’t want to hear his name, or that he’s happy, or heaven forbid that they’re going to be grandparents.”

  “Is that even possible?” Lilly asked. “I thought you said they’d never slept together.”

  “That’s what he told me, but that was five months ago. After I left who knows what went through his head?”

  “I do,” she said quietly.

  “What?” Hannah asked in shock? “How could you know what he was thinking?”

  “He called me.”

  Hannah felt the tips of her ears turn red in anger as the neck of her turtleneck sweater suddenly felt like it was choking her.

  “He what?”

  “He wanted to talk.”

  “And you’re telling me this five months later?”

  “Hannah, come on. You didn’t want to know and it wouldn’t have made a difference. You started dating again right away and I was hopeful that you’d find someone else soon enough.”

  “Yeah, we see how well that’s turned out.”

  “Well, you know sis, I was serious about the it’s not them, it’s you theory. You talk a good game but there’s some part of you, an important part, that never left New York.”

  Hannah knew her sister was right and it made her even angrier. What right did she have to talk with him behind her back? Had she spoken for her? She hadn’t told Lilly all of her feelings. What if she’d given him a wrong impression? What if something she’d told him hadn’t been true? What if? It suddenly dawned on her that what ifs weren’t important if she didn’t still have real feelings for him.

  “What did he say? What did you tell him?”

  “Han, you don’t need to hear it, honey. It’s water under the bridge. This is what I’ve been trying to get through your head. It was three weeks, maybe even three weeks of wonderful, but they’re over. He’s in New York and you’re here.” She took her hand. “Please, please, please move on. I want you to have a family of your own to bring to these Thanksgivings one day.”

  “I wanted to move there, you know?”

  “To New York?”

  “Yeah, I imagined our lives there. Riding the subway with our kids. Going to the museums and baseball games.”

  “You romanticized it, sweetie.” Lilly touched her cheek before moving back to mash more potatoes. “Trust me, married life and a family isn’t museum trips and baseball games – even in New York.”

  “You’re probably right, but I think we could have been good together. There was something between us and while it might not have lasted, five months of dating the wrong guys has shown me there was something real to it.”

  “At least you learned something from the pain.” The doorbell rang and she turned holding the bowl in her arms as she stirred. “Can you get that? Joe’s out back with the kids playing football. He likes to help but he just gets in the way so he’s better off with the children.”

  “No problem.”

  She walked to the door trying to imagine the conversation between her sister and Charlie. Why had he called her and more importantly why had she felt the need to keep it from her? She opened the door to the smiling faces of her cousins armed loaded with goodies.

  She gave hugs and kisses and relieved them of their offerings before heading back into the kitchen to help Lilly.

  “Where’s Susie? Isn’t she normally here by now?”

  “She’s at her new boyfriend’s family celebration. I can’t believe she didn’t tell you. Apparently she’s convinced he’s going to propose.”

  “Great. That will officially make me the spinster of the family.”

  “He called her, too, you know.”

  “What?” Hannah gasped again. “Did he call mom and dad in Phoenix or maybe Great Gram’s in Tulsa? Do I need to worry that he rang up my kindergarten teacher or my principal while I’m at it?”

  “She’s our sister, Han and she is closer to his age than we are. They were always close.”

  “Uh, at this point I think it’s fair to say no one in the family has been as close to him as me.”

  Lilly opened the oven to check on the turkey. “Crude! But true…and funny. Dinner’s ready. Call the kids in from outside and let’s get this party started.

  ****

  When the clock struck eight and the McMillans hadn’t made an appearance Hannah started to worry. On one hand relief flooded through her because maybe she wouldn’t have to hear about his life without her, but on the other she worried that maybe they weren’t there because of her. Maybe he’d told them how he felt and they were angry that she’d hurt their son. Just as she was contemplating calling them to make sure they weren’t mad the doorbell rang. She heard their familiar voices in the foyer.

  “Better late than never,” Mr. McMillan called out.

  “So happy you made it,” Lilly replied.

  Mrs. McMillan’s gray head of pixie cropped hair popped round the corner, “Has everyone started the games without us?”

  Joe stood. “You’ve only missed charades. We’re about to start the new game Lilly picked up in a minute or two. Grab yourselves some beers and get in here!”

  For all her sister complained about Joe, Hannah loved his open and friendly personality. He loved people and people loved him. She couldn’t have asked for a better brother-in-law. He noticed her watching him and walked over to sit with her. Whispering so the cousins wouldn’t hear he said, “Now Hannah, I know you’re nervous that they’re here, but just remember you’re like family to them and I’m sure he never said a word.”

  Hannah looked Joe in the eye before asking with a calm she didn’t feel, “She told you everything?”

  He looked hurt. “I’m her husband, Hannah. Of course she did. And she knows I love you and want what’s best.”

  “I am so freaking embarrassed right now.”

  “No need. I personally disagree with my wife and maybe with you, too. I think the two of you were made for each other, but if you can’t see it yet, that’s cool. Things have a way of working out.” He winked at her and welcomed Charlie’s parents into the circle. “Liesel! Chuck! Have a seat. We were just about to go over the rules to this new game.”

  Before she could say anything he had ushered Charlie’s mom into the empty seat beside her. A warm hug enveloped her and she felt tears sting her eyes. When Leisel let go, she sat down and patted her knee. “There, there! I know you’ve missed us but there’s no need for tears.”

  “Oh, it’s not…” she took a deep breath and steadied herself. “It’s just the holidays Mrs. McMillan. I get a little emotional this time of year.”

  “That’s one of the things I’ve always liked about you, dear. You’re in touch with your feelings.�
��

  When she didn’t look away, Hannah wondered if her words were a dig. Surely she wouldn’t have hugged her like that if she knew how she’d left her son.

  “Your turn Hannah Banana,” Mr. McMillan called from across the room. “Draw a card and hum the tune for your team, although it doesn’t really matter if you get this one you don’t stand a chance playing with my wife. Love of my life but she couldn’t carry a tune to save our son’s life.”

  At the mention of Charlie, Hannah felt the color drain from her face. Card in hand, all eyes were on her as she had to hum the tune and hope for the best. Of course, it was a love song from the fifties and Mrs. McMillen was her saving grace. She sat down happy to be out of the spotlight for a moment.

  Leisel leaned towards her as the other team took their turn. “So, Hannah. Any young men in your life these days?”

  CHAPTER fourteen

  Hannah pulled her coat tighter across her chest as she waited for her defroster to do its duty. Thanksgiving traditionally marked the time of year where there was no returning to just sweaters or jackets and with the frost already on her windshield before midnight, she imagined it was going to be a very chilly weekend. Her thoughts drifted to Charlie in New York. Where had he spent his Thanksgiving? She hadn’t had the nerve to ask his parents. Fear of finding out he was with Nadia and they were doing something special or romantic kept her from digging.

  Still, she wanted to believe he was happy somewhere. As her thoughts often did when they strayed to him she began to remember what it felt like to kiss him. She replayed their romantic moments in her mind. The feel of him behind her at the window that very first time she knew they would touch. His hands squeezing her ass as he rode her to a screaming orgasm. She shifted in her seat. If she kept this up she wouldn’t need the defroster.